Deep

Hi, all.

It’s been a post or two since I was last active; but I’m glad to post again!

As much as I try to stick to a schedule here, I also don’t take blogging so serious like I used to do.

I’d much rather my blogposts be authentic to where I’m at and what I’m doing than pre-written, scheduled posts that may not reflect what I actually want to share!

It took me a while to learn that, but I have and adhere by authenticity.

In the last few weeks, I’ve often been asked “how are you?” and I haven’t really had an answer but tend to just say I’m doing well, thank you.

I try not to lie with my answer because I have, truthfully, been doing well – but there is a difference between doing well and living great.

My mood, emotions, and mind greatly affect how good my posts are or dictate my absence from posting – which has been the case lately.

If I deem I can’t write something well or write something true, I don’t write at all.

Lately I’ve gone through two spiritual battles, which takes a lot of effort to overcome and rise stronger from after the battle.

I’ve been having to navigate the paper side of loosing a parent, which isn’t any easy task. There are a lot of decisions to make, each one requiring full focus.

When I first got back from Idaho my marriage took a hit soon afterwards; and getting through hard points in marriage takes dedication and trust and energy.

Energy.

It’s something that all three of the above major battles demand from you … needless to say, I have been tired.

Tired emotionally.

Tired physically.

Tired spiritually.

Just tired.

But here’s the thing about energy or the lack thereof: if you keep pressing onward, the “muscles” are strengthened and you reach the peak of the mountain stronger than before and with more gains than you had.

Life is hard.

Scars come with living.

The journey of life isn’t meant to be raced at full speed: it’s meant to be ran like an endurance competition.

If you don’t pace yourself you’ll end up injured, disqualified or a quitter.

Without God, I would have quit a long long time ago when some of my first scars of “life” were earned.

If I didn’t have God I would just curl up and quit, letting the waves of depression envelope me and the crashing weight of grief crush me.

Without God my marriage would be in shambles.

Yes; loosing my father affected my Faith.

I didn’t understand. I don’t understand.

But I hung on to just enough Faith to not let go; I know I’ll see my Dad again.

For whatever reason, Dads mission was completed here on earth and he was called Home. There’s nothing I can do about it.

But as I type this … I’m still breathing.

So my mission isn’t complete.

I’m still a daughter.

I’m still a wife.

I still hope for a child.

There is no experience prior to loosing a parent that prepares you for that scar of life; it does psychologically alter the human brain.

I didn’t understand that before my dads death – but I do now.

We go through life.

We get scars.

While those scars are healing, stepping back and just being still and resting after the battle is vital.

That’s what I’ve been doing.

I’m an over-thinker.

I’ve struggled with serious anxiety for six years.

But last night my husband gave me advice that’s altered my thinking: don’t think, just live.

It’s directly opposite of how someone with anxiety thinks: don’t live, just think.

But you can’t think your way through life!

No matter what you try to “prepare” for, the ways of life are just going to happen altogether unexpectedly.

By thinking your way through life you miss life itself.

By thinking your way through life you miss Gods hand in things: instead trying to follow your own.

This wisdom isn’t meant to be construed to “do whatever you want” and just be an idiot.

Rather, it’s about enjoying life while you can and letting God work in your life uninterrupted by you trying to claw “your” ways into your life.

So here’s to not thinking, and just living the life that God orchestrates.

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written by a 20-something wife, homesteader, floral farmer, content creator & freelance writer.

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